Wednesday, June 08, 2005

To Whom It May Concern

  • To the person who found my blog by asking yahoo how to put staples in a heavy duty stapler:

  • It was quite a coincidence that on the very day you were searching for this answer, I spent ten minutes struggling with the very same problem! Clearly neither of us are cut out to be office drones. I tried to ram a stick of staples into our heavy duty stapler for almost five minutes before realizing that the stapler was jammed, not broken. I felt very clever that I had mastered the subtle art of stapler diagnosis, un-jammed the stapler, and tested it out on a nearby stack of paper. When I shoved the handle of the stapler down, though, its spring-loaded backside was somehow propelled out and shot across the office, just missing its chance to wound a coworker who had walked away a few moments before.

    This would seem to be final proof that the stapler was broken, but when I examined my sample stack of paper it was successfully bound with a heavy duty staple; so, I retrieved the spring-loaded portion and surreptitiously re-inserted it into the stapler, which now waits ominously in the file room, all primed to assault the next unsuspecting office drone. I sincerely hope it won't be you, yahoo-searcher!

  • To the person who was searching for a "cool aunt:"
  • Well, shucks, I guess that'd be me. And it's about to be "cool aunt x 2," because my sister will be giving birth to another little girl any day now. Last time I saw them, my sister's three-year-old was talking a lot about the "tiny little baby" on its way. She was also very interested in the fact that, "I was a tiny wittow baby, but now I'm not. Now Ehwlie is a tiny wittow baby."

    I asked her, "Are you still tiny?"

    "No!" she laughed.

    "So are you big?" I said.

    "No!" she laughed again.

    Confused, I asked, "Well, what are you?"

    She looked at me with wide, serious eyes and said matter-of-factly, "I'm Ruth the superhero."

    I'm thinking if I have a superhero for a niece, my ticket to coolness is all ready to be stamped. See, I have it right here in my pocket. Wait, no, look! Don't run! I'm cool! Come see my ticket!

  • To the googler who also loves Thomas Voeckler:
  • Well, I saw him first. But hey! the Tour de France is less than a month away, right? I'm sure we're both looking forward to seeing that grim determined smile again!

  • To the Brazilian googling for "She can turn a drop of water into an ocean:"
  • I do believe you're the first person ever to find me by searching for the Dream Theater lyrics. Mr. Thel is a huge fan (why yes, we do own two full DVD's of live Dream Theater concert footage!), and I have to admit that I've been drawn into the love a little--enough so that I happily went with him to a Fates Warning / Dream Theater / Queensryche show at the Paramount here in Seattle a couple of years ago. Good times with the metalheads, good times.

  • To all the people around the world who are finding this blog through pictures on Google Images:
  • What on earth are you searching for that my silly pictures pop up? Alas, my referrer will not say. Teases.

  • To the seekers of "God beyond all names:"
  • I'm with you.

    And to everyone who reads without commenting: I dare you to say hello. I double-dare you! No, I triple-dog-dare you to comment on this post.

    Please? [whine]C'mon, I had cancer![/whine]